Mums the word……



Its so strange how people sometimes get the wrong impression of you. Why you look so down today? Are you not well? You look sad ! NO I am just a mother.

I don’t think I have had a decent nights sleep since I gave birth. (They never said that in any of the pregnancy mags I read or the “planning to be a mom”)

I actually plan to re-write the so called pregnancy books and title it (the things they never told you……….. from childbirth to the age of 35 when they leave the house). I think that IF (my theory now) they filled in those blank spaces we would probably be less populated in the world.

I never was one for the whole birth thing. I love my kids but made a promise to my self to please make a mental graphic and emotional memory of the events.

I love hearing how my friends say…….. ag I was in labor for 6 hours and then she just popped out……. Babies don’t pop they claw their way out ……….. I must say my unique childbirth experience was enough to cure me……..

Firstly my mom ships me off to her friends in the Eastern Cape (no not because I was a single mom) no the hospital there (PUBLIC) was uniquely small.

So growing larger by the day my boet drives me down. Only to find out that we are going on trip to the coast for a week. This sounds great …….. that evening we go visit some people on a farm. Moi decides to eat WILD mushroom only to find out a few days later that I am VERY allergic to them…. I don’t think I had a spot on my body that was not covered in a small fine very very itchy rash…. And remembering that at this stage I could not really reach many places anymore ……….. due to HUGE bump …. So that was me on holiday……

We ended up going to a stunning place but it took us almost 3 hours to get there on a dirt road with the worst pot holes in Africa. …. And this is what my “guardians” had to say:” Now don’t go into labor sweetie there are no doctors where we are going” GREAT but I survived………….

On our return I realized (not having a chance before) that I was literally in a one horse town and he was actually a donkey that came through the town once a week and all the kids went screaming after it.

But the cherry was far from being put on the top. For some unknown reason my friendly guardians decided that I would do good going on a few dates while I was out and about. I only went one………..and he took me to a braai…I could only imagine what they thought …….well at least they had something to talk about for a month or two.

Now it was time for me to start Lamaze (hope this is spelt correct) anyway I walked there it was a pleasant walk there all down hill and a HELL of a walk back at least I got to practice those ……. “Pant like a dog” breathing exercises. On my first arrival I thought perhaps I was at the wrong house. It looked like it had been abandoned in the last world war. But alas……..i was in the right place. I was greeted by my Lamaze teacher who was a doctor too and she sort of reminded me of something crossed between a 60’s hippy and a pit bull…………… so when she said BREATH that’s exactly what I did……………… and when she said PANT LIKE A DOG GIRL …….. that’s what I did….. I thought I was rather good at that whole breathing thing….. oh my the pressures in life….mmmm so that was fun……….

My doctor …….. a very sweet man (I walked to him too) although they really could all be neighbors……… was fine I saw him 2 to 3 times a week…… UNTILL…… one night I went to a local drama the town put on and there was my doctor …….. doing some strange dance in front dressed like a man and a woman………. Well we did not speak much in our sessions after that………..

AND NOW……….ta da ……….labor day………. It started at about 10 in the evening …… but I was not really sure if I was in labor so decided to read some Afrikaans book I had to see if I was imagining things…no no the pains were real………… by 6 that morning I called my mom …. Who was ready and set (she said she had a feeling and packed her bags the night before- Freaky ) anyway “Don’t have that baby till I get there” Okay mumsy ……….. so I didn’t …. by one that afternoon she was there……. Still no baby……… okay she said lets go shopping…………. And that’s what I did ….. I went shopping and bought a camera ……. And went to visit her friend at work…..and all my mom could say was :”Gravity pulls” well it obviously was not pulling hard enough cause nothing was coming………..

Eventually I got to the hospital………. And still nothing ……. A friend called me during labor…… not quit the right time to talk to me ……. Cause then I was like a demon on drugs…… (without the drugs) oh I lie they did give me one injection for the pain …….it did nothing …….no wait …..a few day later I thought I had sprained my bum muscle during childbirth…….

So the cherry ……… and as you know there is always a cherry……….. it was long…. Painful……… (when the sister sewed me up (you know where) she said… Honey I am making you a virgin again…….. gee thanks ……… my water never broke so they broke it, my child did some fancy slide across the plastic covered bed and had to be caught ….. and YES I DID NOT make it to the delivery room…….. my mom says I sounded like a stubborn Jewish MAMMA……………… and ………………..22 hours later……… YES 22…….I had a son……..BLUE as a smurf ………..but there………… oh my goodness……….. they should give us a day off on their birthdays just so we can remember


So next time someone says “Shame you look tiered” or “Is there something wrong” Just grin and say …………. “Do you have kids?”